Tuesday, May 19, 2015


“The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.” Leonard Cohen.

Good morning!

Scenario 1: It’s already 4:00 AM, and I'm still awake and I'm not ready to sleep because I cannot. I thought there must be something terribly wrong with me. Yet, I’m trying to control my mind and dream as if I'm sleeping in a five star hotel. But it doesn't help me much. My mind and body are at war when it should be in coherent. Physically, I'm very exhausted and all I want is a good night sleep since 00:30 midnight. I’m mentally aware I need the sleep but it seemed my mind is restless and quiet not ready to listen to my body hormones of naturally going into sleep mode. In the end, I ended up sleeping only for few hours in morning and I have to get ready for my work by 10:00 AM. And unfortunately, it has become my daily battle. I have even considered if I need daily coitus to drain out my strength so I can overcome my insomnia.

Scenario 5: But now, I'm very delighted to have overcome my insomnia I have had experience few months ago. My mother used to tell me, get yourself a glass of water or milk and you will sleep. Believe it or not! How I used to wish if my mother sings me a lullaby so I can just sleep like a baby. Thank God! My insomnia cured sooner than later or else I might have requested my mother to sing a lullaby for me… J

Scenario 2: I thought about medication if it will just help me sleep for few hours so I don't exhaust myself at work. I convinced myself to be practical and I went straight to drug store and ask the pharmacist for sleeping pills. He looked at me and asks ‘which one?’ I replied; any pills that will help me sleep. He gave me around 5 to 6 pills however advised not to take the pills with empty stomach. Fun Fact: I bought myself the sleeping pills from Medicine counter without any doctor's prescription! When I have the pills in my hand, I convince myself thinking this is just a medication to overcome my insomnia. First night, I pop in one pill and while I was waiting for the reaction of the pill, I guessed I was already asleep. When I woke up in the morning, I thought this is great and it helps. It goes on for weeks until my sister intervened at the right time. She told me that I speak a lot in my dream and sometime, I even shout as if I was fighting with someone in my dream.

Scenario "Side-Effect": I guessed it was the side effect from the sleeping pills by making me hallucinate even when I'm asleep. I told her about the sleeping pills and she warned me it is not going to help me in the long run. By the way, she already thought I was a junkie which kind of creep me out knowing she has never gone through insomnia. Anyway it is not her fault but mine. And I realized I have to clean up before I'm way down the gutter.  Becoming a drug junkie is just a cup of tea; try once and if you like it, you are in for a roller coaster ride and it is difficult to stop the ride. I didn't even realize I have become so dependent on sleeping pills. I’d say to myself, this is the last one and I am not going to have it again but I'd still have two to three pills in my bag. I knew I was just lying to myself every night.

Scenario “My will or the highway”: It started with insomnia, just a normal insomnia which can happen to anyone. However, I have become my own devil digging my own grave not realizing I am trying to put myself to sleep forever. After all insomnia is just a bad case of guilt's - you know when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing. All I did was I was fighting myself with my mind and body when I should have just relax and let it go. The worst thing I did again was numbing my mind and body with sleeping pills which is rather a cowardice act. And I had to stop myself from killing myself but how? It was not that easy however with some few good books, it helps. Avoid the medicine store and order a book from your online library or from the online bookstore. Read the book before going to sleep. And nothing can make you sleepier than a book... :) 

The fact is that our mind need a little bit of refreshment like knowledge and wise counseling from a book rather than our regret, depression and self-loathing before it can help our body sleep. 

Food for thought: “A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading.” William Styron.

Thank you. Have a good day!

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